Absolute War Machine | Audie Murphy
Posted on January 31 2015
Hilarious yet Riveting
A brief history of one of the world's deadliest and bravest soldiers
This story is a brief, hilarious and absolutely unfathomable description of the military life of Audie Murphy, a soldier in the US Army during WW2. I won't go into any more detail, but I will let you know that this post does contain extensive profanities, however we decided to keep them in in respect to the author, and because it's absolutely side splitting.
This is one hell of a soldier.
WARNING: SOME READERS MAY FIND THE BELOW POST OFFENSIVE IN LANGUAGE
When Audie Murphy applied to the Marines in 1942, he was a 16 year-old stiff dick standing 5 feet, 5 inches tall. He weighed 110 pounds soaking wet and looked like a fucking newspaper delivery boy. The Marines laughed at the short, skinny, baby-faced Murphy and 86ed him the fuck out of the recruiting station. He applied to the Air Corps and they laughed at him too then sent him on his way. Then he applied to the Army and they snatched his little ass up. They needed bodies for the European campaign so they took him. He sucked ass in basic training and the Army wanted to make him a cook as they suspected he may just be a bitch made non-hack. He even passed out a few times during PT. BUT, he never quit so they let him tool the fuck up and go to war.#GunsUpNiggaLetsDoDis
During the Italian campaign, Murphy was promoted to Corporal for his cunning ability to shoot motherfuckers in the face. He bodied two high ranking Italian officers in 1943. He had Malaria during this time, so keep in mind he was sick all through the whole war. In France 1944 he and his team ran into a Nazi machine gun nest and the Nazis pretended to surrender, but shot Murphy’s friend.#BigFuckingMistakeYouKraut
Well, Murphy flipped his fucking shit and went hammer on those German fucks. He bodied everyone in the nest, and used their guns to smoke check every German within 100 yards. He also took out two machine gun nests nearby and several snipers. After that, Murphy got a Distinguished Service Cross and was made platoon commander. No one ever called him “Shorty” again for fear that he would push their fucking shit in#PeelHisMuffinCapBackBlue
Murphy was just getting started though. Six months later his company was ordered to defend the Colmar Pocket, which was a very important part of France strategically speaking. He only had 19 homies left out of 128 and two M-10 tank destroyers. Ze Germans came in with several hundred men and 6 tanks. Murphy sent the M-10s in to deal with the imposing threat but they got hit and blown up. Upon seeing this Murphy new it was time to go hammer. This small man riddled with Malaria ran like fuckin Marshawn Lynch through a shit-storm of German gunfire and jumped up on a still burning M-10.#HOLLLDMAHDIIIICKKKKK#PutDaTeamOnMyBackDoe
Once there, he got behind the Ma Duece and start giving those German fucks free haircuts with fresh ass fades. He shway layed an entire squad of Germans trying to flank his tank and dozens of others. During the onslaught his leg was wounded but he kept fighting through that shit. The M-10 was in flames and full of gas and could have exploded at any fucking minute. He continued to mow down Germans from a fucked up and burning M-10 for an hour. After he finished handing out fades to all the German soldiers he hopped off the M-10 and that bitch blew up as he was walking away like he dropped the fucking mic. He then led his men on an assault to more German forward fighting positions.#LikeaFuckingBowse
The Army gave him every medal imaginable to include the Medal of Honor. Murphy went on to star as himself in a movie of his amazing exploits. But he made them tone that shit down because he already had too many hoes up on his dick and though it was hanging down by his fucking knee caps there wasn’t room for any more.